I love Nigeria. May God Bless Nigeria. I am proudly Nigerian. We are a self-glorifying nation. We called ourselves the giant of Africa. Are we truly not giant? Look around you and you will discover our gigantism. But before I slip into distraction, permit me to showcase my further list of mighty men of Nigeria. There can be no illusion of safe harbour for our jet-acquiring pastors. Church of God in Nigeria is now enjoying a kind of Pentecostal flourish. Preaching prosperity is as common now as morning coffee. The finest demonstrations of this prosperity are the general overseers who junket around in private jet. Unlike in the UK where the shepherd is lean and sheep are fat, in Nigeria it is the other way round. Adeboye and Oyedepo are talented overseers. They know a lot about Tithing Optimisation Strategy. They are living and doing well by being righteous. And what better way to reward righteous overseers than give them donkeys, no, sorry, private jets. For taking their jets to see God on a regular basis, can somebody shout halleluiah?
It is this nation’s wishes to present these mighty men of God (MMOG), Daddy GOs with yet another well deserve title of mighty men of Nigeria (MMON). I cannot hide my admiration for all fun loving scholars and professors on our campuses. These are men of integrity. They go about in sandals. They bear the insult of students. They bear the threat of cult members. Of particular affection among these bookish breed are the paedophiles. They are academic predators. They dangle the carrot and stick with their stentorian privileges. They threaten to fail both young and married women except they examine their G-strings. These philandering university teachers deserve our honour.
They combine academic excellence with libidinous research on our campuses. I honour them all with mighty men of Nigeria. I can say with unabashed contradiction that all former governors are true patriots. They spent their money to win elections and we arraign them at the end of their terms for stealing couples of billions. This is nothing but crude justice for these men of high integrity who sacrificed their successful businesses to transform their states. I really don’t get it when a man of astounding achievement like Alao-Akala, the former governor of Oyo state was arraigned before EFCC for looting the treasury of my home state.
Alao-Akala, the thuggish, brash, giant, party-loving, bum-loving and despicably uncouth son of Ogbomosho brought progress to all the idol infested villages of Oyo State. From Aladorin to Yemetu in Ibadan every home was fitted with pipe borne water. My neck of the wood of Omi Adio was transformed. We have good roads. We have pipe borne water. Because we love this beauty-challenged governor, we allowed him to spend state money to import bleaching creams from UK. An Oyo governor must look the part for God sake. There was nothing excessive in the outcry over his spending a mere N200million naira to give his daughter away in wedding. Oyo people love their owambe party. What is wrong in his doling out SUV to all the Obas in Oyo state for re-election in 2011?
Why would an ungrateful Governor Ajumobi talk of an empty treasury? He should have known that Nigerian state governors are high maintenance creatures who love Gucci watches, Armani shirts and fine perfumes. With the deepest respect, I now present Alao-Akala with the mighty man of Nigeria honour. Since like attracts like, I will also seize this opportunity to call on former governors like Diepreye Alamieyeseigha, Lucky Igbinedion, James Ibori, Timipre Sylva, Donald Duke, Olagunsoye Oyinlola, Orji Uzor Kalu, Bola Ahmed Tinubu, Bukola Saraki and Gbenga Daniel to collect their well deserved honour first for serving their fatherland and second for being guests of EFCC wrong allegations. On behalf of EFCC, accept our apologies for insinuating that you are excellent thieves for stealing billions of Nigeria’s common wealth. We must not forget the hardworking directors of the EFCC. Most of the directors are transparent, patriotic and diligent in their pursuit of looters. One of their brilliant achievements to date is that they are yet to convict and jail any past public office holders.
The public should be aware that most of the directors of EFCC are members of PDP. By logical extension, a thief cannot call each other thief. The public should also be aware that EFCC is not created to jail looters but to give them free publicity and let them go and steal no more. Therefore, on behalf of all Nigerians, I present mighty men of Nigeria to all past and present directors of EFCC for being the publicity department for political looters.
Deserving of this honour will include Michael Aondoakaa, the former Attorney General who cleared Ibori of all economic crimes, Allison Deizani-Madueke, the super Minister who is enjoying protective subsidy from the president. All serving Ministers with over 1 billion naira asset. All service chiefs who have the resources to shoo away Jonathan but rather play the gentle giants. They prefer the evening tea with the president to doing a Jerry Rawling on a poor, shoeless boy from ogogoro city of Itueke. We truly live in a satirical space where truth has no meaning to the average Nigerians. We have to speak with forked tongues in a time like this. Nobody is ready to speak truth to power. Rather, Nigerians are subjecting their conscience to flattery while the real man in them dies. These mighty men of God truly deserve our honour in a country like the giant of Africa. Yes, in a country like my beloved Nigeria.