Leading the pack of my mighty men of Nigeria is of course, President Goodluck Jonathan. He is humble, unassuming, relaxed and easy-going. He has so far lived to our expectation. And the expectation of his first name – Goodluck. His transformational agenda has transformed Nigeria. He has been spending Nigeria’s money on our behalf. He has cleaned the treasury of old notes. The treasury is now cleaned by his dry cleaners that are strategically placed in high places in Abuja. He is a pacifist. Because of his forgiven nature, he embraced the sponsors of Boko Haram littering in his cabinet and let them alone to bomb innocent people to smithereens. He commissioned the probe into fuel subsidy scandal. Again, because of his genial, affable and compassionate nature, he said that no named culprits will be prosecuted. This man is very good. He does not inflict punishment on plunderers and killers because he wants us to emulate his sterling character.
One year after his occupation of Aso Rock he has fulfilled his promises. Nigerians now enjoy uninterrupted power supply; pipe borne water now flows into every home in Suleija, Orlu, Alimosho, Sunni Denge, Nibo and Ago Iwoye. Obasanjo, Buhari, Babangida and Yar’ Adua combined could not achieve this wonderful feat. Rather than drink and celebrate with expensive champagnes and cognac with friends and cronies in Aso Rock, report suggests that our frugal president prefers imported ogogoro from Warri and Itueke. I learned that Patience Jonathan has extended the dining room in Aso Rock to accommodate those aging, shoeless, hungry, busy-bodies and third rate chiefs who made nocturnal visits to Aso Rock. He is helping our budget by not being greedy. He has cut down his food budget to a mere one billion naira a year. Thank you sir!
His kinsmen have been pouring gifts on him. Amulet, juju mirror, bowler hat, anti-spell black soap, ogogoro and more ant-divination herbs for more badluck, sorry, goodluck on the throne. Jonathan can also be very flexible with foolish gaffes. He once called all the South West governors rascals. Though people criticised him. I prefer his foolishness to his intelligence. His administration has been building and repairing roads from Abeokuta to Zungeru. He has been paying contract invoices on time. Nigerians now ride on trains as we do in London and New York. He has been able to create employment opportunities for millions of lost Nigerian youths. Our youths are no more predatory Yahoo Yahoo stalkers in cyberspace.
Jonathan has given money, houses and jobs first to his Yenegoa militant cousins and now to the rest of his second class cousins scattered all over Nigeria. Some said that Jonathan promotes tribalism. How can a pragmatic leader who called the Yoruba governors rascals be a tribalist? If he is a tribalist why would he elevate Bamangar Tukur, the newly elected chairman of People Democratic Party into an oracle? The president knows his divine limitations. He suffers from decision making deficiency syndrome. His hands are tied in making informed decisions on national issues.
So Tukur has been assigned to call him to order if he blunders in his weak decision making process. On behalf of all Nigerians, I now present President Goodluck Jonathan with the Mighty Man of Nigeria (MMON). Tailing the president is Senator David Mark. Everybody loves his crafty Oturkpo smile. He loves money. Money loves him. He loves it so well that he earns more money than the president of the United State of America. At least Mark has given us one political perfidy to brag about. I like shameless, profligate and creative politicians like Mark. In his kindness he agreed to give Nigerian workers generous minimum monthly pay of N18, 000. That is more than enough for Nigerians. And they were so grateful to this man for fighting their cause.
If that amount is not good enough, why did the world say that Nigerians are the happiest mugus in the world? We are happily fed, paid, sheltered and protected. All through the decisions of Mark’s Senate. In fact, I read somewhere that he is a generous man to a fault. To prove that enviable trait, he once bought a mere N15 million naira SUV aka Jeep to his Nollywood actress girlfriend. Isn’t that a libidinous way to spend our resources for all his hard work? During his tenure as senate president, Mark has turned our senate into a trading floor. He has made it compulsory that bung has to be paid out before important bill is made to law. He is not a defender of the poor. Many of the laws passed under his Gucci watch are meant to render Nigerians as helpless servitude. His laws are meant to create “future food” for his untouchable class of super Nigerians. His creative politicking with human face should find its way into the Guinness Book of World Record. David Mark, the most expensive president of the most expensive senate on mother earth, will you please step forward and collect your Mighty Man of Nigeria (MMON) honour.
Deserving of this honour will include all retired major generals of the Nigerian army with wealth of over 1 billion naira. These set of great Nigerians went to war to hold this nation together. They suffered deprivations. They faced death. They sacrificed a lot. Many of them were rewarded with ordinary directorships in blue chip companies. Is that good enough for these courageous men? I like their humble acceptance of their fate as directors and errand boys of politicians. Few of them owe private airlines. Majority run subsidy-protected oil marketing companies. Many are owners of banks on our high streets. We should honour these people who used their khaki and khaki and like hooligans plundered Nigeria and rendered it useless.
It is my pleasure to award Mighty Men of Nigeria to all retired major generals of the Nigerian Army. We should also remind ourselves of the immense contributions of our retired Inspector Generals of Police. Many of them reformed Nigerian Police from a wholesale hooligan, extortionist and inhuman police to the kind of police we enjoy today. They were able to eradicate checkpoint toll of N20 naira bribe from commuter drivers; they ended the reign of armed robbery in Nigeria, they were able to protect most of our criminal leaders from attack, they no longer brutalise Nigerians and the issue of miscarriage of justice has ended in the history of Nigerian community policing.
All the old discredited officers who were known to fight on the streets because of N20 naira and even gala snack have been sacked. Police no longer take advantage of poor Nigerians. Rather they are now helpful, peaceful, respectful and full of patriotism. This is the collective hardwork of all past IGPs. On behalf of all Nigerians, I now present Mighty Men of Nigeria (MMON) to these fine and brilliant officers. Many of them are enjoying their retirement in over one billion naira mansions. They drive around in gleaming SUVs. They are surrounded by five bodyguards. They enjoy the services of gardeners, drivers, cooks, masseurs and even occasional invitation to sip tea with the president.